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Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Mon Sep 07, 2009 10:59 am

The Twenty and the One
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A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Lutheran Church, the Baptist Church, and the Methodist Church." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Pure Country Girl
 
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Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

Re: Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Mon Sep 07, 2009 11:25 am

Better relationship
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Pure Country Girl
 
Posts: 924
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:47 pm
Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

Re: Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Mon Sep 07, 2009 11:57 am

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
Pure Country Girl
 
Posts: 924
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Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

Re: Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Mon Sep 07, 2009 5:16 pm

Getting the most from your I.T. department
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 22nd October, 2003
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice : "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us.

15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you ?

22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.

26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Birmingham like to keep abreast of what's going on.

32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

35. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

Your friendly computer guy.
Pure Country Girl
 
Posts: 924
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:47 pm
Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

Re: Joke Page

Postby Mojo » Tue Sep 08, 2009 4:58 am

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told
them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day
because his wife wouldn't let him go.


After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
4X4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who
should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up,
fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.


"How did ya talk your wife into letting you
go Mike?"

"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply. "When I left the meeting I went
home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.
Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise'!"



When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
- through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to
the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Mojo
 
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Re: Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Tue Sep 08, 2009 9:43 am

Thanks for the warning! Lol....
Pure Country Girl
 
Posts: 924
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:47 pm
Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

Re: Joke Page

Postby rhouston » Tue Sep 08, 2009 11:41 am

I have had just about every one of those "I.T. jokes" happen.
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Re: Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Tue Sep 08, 2009 2:23 pm

Me too! Lol....
Pure Country Girl
 
Posts: 924
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:47 pm
Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

Re: Joke Page

Postby HRH » Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:32 pm

Pure Country Girl wrote:Me too! Lol....

Are or were you an IT tech? Interesting.
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Re: Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Tue Sep 08, 2009 9:23 pm

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
More Blonde Jokes »
Pure Country Girl
 
Posts: 924
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:47 pm
Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

Re: Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Wed Sep 09, 2009 6:45 pm

"Three Legged Chicken"

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.

He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"


The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted.


The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
Pure Country Girl
 
Posts: 924
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:47 pm
Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

Re: Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Fri Sep 11, 2009 7:04 pm

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers - by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, "That's Strange."
Pure Country Girl
 
Posts: 924
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:47 pm
Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

Re: Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Fri Sep 11, 2009 7:07 pm

Kissing a Nun
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."
Pure Country Girl
 
Posts: 924
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:47 pm
Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

Re: Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Sat Sep 12, 2009 8:53 pm

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?

Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
Pure Country Girl
 
Posts: 924
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:47 pm
Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

Re: Joke Page

Postby Pure Country Girl » Sun Sep 13, 2009 12:44 pm

A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided try to temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts, he told them they'd each get something "chosen especially for you!" His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with manure.



On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to his father with a sad face and said: "How can I possibly use all these? The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other toys will be broken!" After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps.

There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to which the boy exclaimed "With this much manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere
Pure Country Girl
 
Posts: 924
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:47 pm
Location: Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia

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